NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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