It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
