Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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