There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
