Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize