somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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