Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
