Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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