does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
