She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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