She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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