Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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