Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
