i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
