Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we should paint friendship bongs
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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