I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
