i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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