I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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