I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
