I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
