I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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