my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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