Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
