I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
