How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
