I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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