ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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