she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
