i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
