Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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