Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
