also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
