so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
