I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
