idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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