I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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