I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize