after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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