My nipple is on Facebook.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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