My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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