This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
