so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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