First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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