why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
