I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
