it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
