We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
