I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
