Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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