no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
