My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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