Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
