I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
