One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
