He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
