you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
