The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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